Thursday, March 17, 2016

Dry Bones and Broken Dreams (Dreaming with A Broken Heart Part 2)






He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” So I answered, “O Lord God, You know.” Ezekiel 37:3


I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26




One of my favorite Christmas presents: Teddy put this lamppost he found up in the front yard. See: C.S. Lewis' "The Chronicles of Naria"


All I ever wanted most I got for Christmas....A trip to Disney ('83), a diamond ring ('92), a flute ('96?), a website (2002), a puppy (2014) , a lamppost (2014), one last family photo (2015).....



Things have changed dramatically since I started writing this post months ago but it still goes with my main points here: #1 God WILL show you what to do- He will guide you if you are willing to be OBEDIENT to His voice. But remember #2 DON'T ASSUME TO KNOW WHAT HE'S UP TO. God's ways are mysterious- Past finding out- There are so many factors and SOULS involved in every decision we make! He sees all and KNOWS all- there's probably something (Not necessarily bad maybe GOOD) up ahead we never dreamed would happen.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts...." Isaiah 55:8-9

And #3 Whatever He's doing. He knows what He's doing and we can surely trust and place our CONFIDENCE in HIM!

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

This is Part 2  in Part 1 I talked about meeting another man and that I was going on in rebellion, filling my "Blank Space" with yet another "bad boy" who IS NOT better than the one I have, actually he's worse! Thankfully, I got out of that relationship before doing anything that I'd forever REGRET! I was exploring the question: Is The Story of Us over?

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls up I can't break through.

Taylor Swift


I was looking around on the Family Life website and I found an article about a couple who stayed together after an affair. My doctor also told Bob and I a story like that. If they can't throw away 22 Years of Marriage over an affair? How can we throw away 30 years over....over? Over what? OK Emotional affairs? Money problems? Children problems? Loss of respect problems? Unfinished house problems? Ok that's alot of problems but they don't seem as serious as an affair and I don't think they are. There's a reason God gave that as an exception for divorce. (See Matthew 5:32)


Could Bob forgive me for writing about the horrible things he's said and done to me? Wait a minute. If I could forgive him for doing them, why couldn't he forgive me for writing  the truth about them? How many are even reading this? He said he wasn't.

A True Story....

I met that "bad boy" ( Part 1 ) who only wanted One Thing at a poetry event which was in a bar.
I told him I was celibate and had only been with my husband, latter he said that made him "want" me even more. I said, "The next man I sleep with I'll be married to". (So "Don't give me no lines and keep your hands to yourself!!") He said he'd better get me a ring then. lol Wait- notice, he didn't say, "I love you" or "I want to marry you" Bob and I were so young (and poor) when we got married that he didn't get me a diamond ring until some Christmas' latter when Teddy was a toddler. When I broke up with this  "bad boy" he said, "You're the one who doesn't have time for me with all your rules!" I think he said that because I wouldn't get in his car again. lol I didn't say what I was thinking when he said this, which is, "YOU'RE RIGHT- I DON'T have time for you AND furthermore RULES  are mostly good as long as you aren't too overly legalistic and paranoid about them.  And with that I decided I would no longer hang out in bars! No more having to explain, "Nah nah honey I'm good..." Well, then I got invited to a party......

It happened again and I was stunned again and I look back and think of all the things I coulda, shoulda, woulda said....But NO! I'm done with the second guessing!!! It went how it was supposed to go. I was pretty quiet, I guess that is kinda usual for me. lol I gave them my card, so perhaps they'll get online and read more about me and my Jesus. That's the thing too: HIS NAME IS ON MY HAND! Isaiah 49:16 Is this my lazy way of witnessing? No, but it does come in handy (Pun intended- lol) when I am so stunned and standing there like a deer in the headlights. I guess that's why with that rock singer I was speechless also. I was so stunned I couldn't believe it was happening!!! This time I was actually propositioned by a 20 something COUPLE. No really! And I DID NOT even flirt back! He was NOT my type (And neither was she). I was told I resemble Poison Ivy, I think it's the vibrant shade of red I used last time to cover the few strands of white. That was a nice compliment I didn't even say, "Thank-you" for as this guy needed no encouragement. I only said, "That's a new one".




My name is no
My sign is no
My number is no
You need to let it go
Meghan Trainor


Flirting with me with the girlfriend standing right next to him!? Then she says she's going to the bathroom, I said, "No! Don't go!" She left, I followed her, she wasn't going to the bathroom but around the corner to watch her boyfriend try to reel me in!  I mean, Really!? My life sometimes (oftentimes) so surreal! I mean does crazy stuff like this happen to everyone? Or just me? My favorite thing to say now is, My last name is Story and that's what I have; Stories and they are TRUE! They really happened!


1 Thessalonians 4:3 "It is God's will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like those who do not know God." (NIV)

So should I never go to parties where there's alcohol? Well, I sold two books at this party! I think I should have just left the party sooner than I did but I wanted to get my new friends numbers. NO! NOT those friends!- The two moms my age who got my book!


Back in September I was reading stuff by this certain author who had been through a very similar situation as me (Separation and divorce after a pretty long marriage) in her life and every thing she said so resonated with me! I was kinda disappointed though because when I sent her a personal (Not too long) e-mail, she sent me back a form e-mail, inviting me to sign up for her newsletter, like her facebook page etc. all stuff I already did and it seemed she didn't even read my e-mail, only skipped to the end and saw my name was Susan. "I'm so sorry for your pain..." Like the scripts in Mary Kay I can't bring myself to use, this form e-mail seemed to be so FAKE. Something that really bothered me. So I e-mailed her back and told her so. It was not the first time I met someone I had heard and read so much about and then was disappointed. I felt like Augustus and Hazel meeting Van Houten in "The Fault in Our Stars".

The next day I randomly picked a book of poems by Sidney Lanier off my shelf that I got when I was in in NY with Joyce. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this man who lived in Macon GA for many years also played the flute! He was a poet who was also a musician who played the same instrument as me! I remember one Christmas years ago, mentioning that I needed a new flute and a hymnal and Bob gave them to me for Christmas. It was a ton of little reminders like this that kept giving me little glimmers of HOPE  for Bob and I.

For there is hope for a tree, If it is cut down, that it will sprout again, And that its tender shoots will not cease. Job 14:7


Then I just happened upon a poem Sidney wrote for his grandparents 50th Wedding Anniversary. It is so beautiful!

A rainbow span of fifty years,
Painted upon a cloud of tears,
In blue for hopes and red for fears,
Finds end in a golden hour to-day.
Ah, YOU to our childhood the legend told,
'At the end of the rainbow lies the gold,'
And now in our thrilling hearts we hold
The gold that never will pass away.

Sidney Lanier


What got to me even more was when I read the date the poem was written. It was the very day  I just "happened" to pick that book off the shelf and read it: September 27th. What are the chances of that? (One in 365?) But you know what? God put me through two more months of STUFF before I was humbled enough to tell Bob I wanted to stay with him, if he was willing to try again.



I went to see my old friend Francis also last Fall, she kept mentioning this book she was reading or about to read called, "Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do!" by Robert H. Shuller.Then I got the latest Joyce Meyer book ("The Mind Connection") in the mail and read the story below in chapter 3 and it was from the same book Francis kept talking about!

Robert Schuller tells of a winter at home, when his dad needed firewood. He found a dead tree and sawed it down. In the spring, to his dismay, he found new shoots had sprouted from the trunk. He said to his son, “I thought sure it was dead; the leaves had dropped, the twigs snapped, it seemed as if there was no life there. But now I see there is still life at the taproot of the old tree.”


He looked at his boy and said, “Bob, don’t forget this important lesson. Never cut down a tree in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in a low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst mood. Wait. Be patient. The spring will come."

I found this story retold once again Here


So the story about the tree was getting to me also. Then the Bad boy I was kinda- sorta dating was just the last straw. This man didn't care a lick about the most important people in my life! My kids. I showed him a picture of my Claire Bear whose in the army. No response. Was he one of those people who'd rather their daughter work at Hooters and go to college, than join the military? Noone else, no other man I met was going to care about my kids like their own father. I told Bob that. After he complained to my therapist about my emotional- almost affairs (To me porn is exactly the same thing only worse) I said, "None of them were better than you! It was just that they liked me" He replied that he "used to" "like" me. I told him I kissed someone else and he said he didn't care. He told my therapist he didn't love me anymore and wasn't even attracted to me anymore. I had sent him sexy photos of me in his e-mail, he didn't even acknowledge that he got them until I asked him. I had put that diamond ring back on. I had my rules still: Like I said: Rules are good. One of mine is, I try to dress modestly- like no cleavage (Except in photos to my hubby). Over Christmas I made a new rule for trying to get him back- always show cleavage at home -just for him. lol A mischievous friend had asked if I dressed sexy around him, some months ago, she was implying I should do it to annoy him. I said he wouldn't even "bat an eye" and he didn't! These things infuriated me. I remember one night lying in bed thinking of someone who'd appreciate those photos, who had shared their e-mail address on their page. I was so so so tempted to e-mail them to him! But I didn't. I lay in bed praying once again, "Lord help me! Help me forgive him! Help him forgive me!" I couldn't have taken this much humiliation before but it would be over in a few short months. I had/have more confidence now than I have ever had in my whole life and I said on my facebook page, "He's a smart man, he'll come to his senses" I guess he's not as smart as I thought.


I recently finished an excellent book by Elisabeth Klein Corcoran called, "Unraveling: Hanging onto faith through the end of a Christian marriage" she says in the chapter titled "Vulnerability" that she read it takes 1 year for every 4 years of marriage to heal completely. Hmmmmm? I wrote at the end of the chapter "28 years divided by 4 is 7 years!" Well I am definitely listening to God this time and NOT dating until He says, OK but I do hope to NOT have to wait 7 years TBH. 

I could honestly say I gleaned something from every single chapter of this book and even the afterword by Lauren F. Winner. Lauren says, God worked a "stunning resurrection" when she thought she'd be DEAD forever. She said she had hoped it'd be the resurrection of her marriage but instead it was the resurrection of her SOUL.


But You speak life into the flesh, Breathing air into the dead  Jonathan Thulin

This is a poem I wrote in 2014 and it's in my book, The Seven Story Tree



Resurrection
Oh no it's dead!
I killed it
What do I do?
God? Are You here?
I AM
It was beaten down so long
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
Like a storm or a breeze.
I could so easily freeze.
But no I melt
At the thought of One Who loves so much
So much more than just a teenage crush
He freed me
So I fall to my knees
He's the only One I want to please
My Maker is my husband
He even heals Stockholm Syndrome
I don't believe in lies
Little girl ARISE
And the story has only just begun
Now take the ball and run


All I knew this morning when I woke
Is I know something now, know something now I didn't before Taylor Swift



Bob and I's first date was a trip to Disney, my brother Jon and his friends decided to take, the day after Christmas 1983...Here is a NEW POEM. My next book of poetry (RED: Redeemed- Equipped-Delivered) will be out in 2018!

Will We Ever be Out of these Woods?

Go Softly, Swiftly, Sweetly
We are never ever getting back together,
The Love Story of Us must be over,
'Cause we got bad blood, baby,
Why are you so mean?
I knew you were trouble from the get go,
30 years ago
Yet somehow I held it together
If I had a guitar it would've drown by now,
But these things will change,
We can wake up tomorrow and everything's different
We can begin again
The only question is with who? You?
Can we go back to December of '83?
I was a dreamer before you let me down
I'm not a princess,
This ain't a fairy tale,
You can't even ride!
Yes there's Someone coming for me on a white horse,
His name is JESUS!

Do I love you? Yes
Will I give you another chance? No
"She lost him...
But she found herself
And somehow that was everything"



NEW POEM! About being positive and giving blood! I wrote this in January and in February I discovered BioLife and in March I started getting paid to donate plasma! Yay!

Be Positive!
Is it in my blood to be negative?
But Jesus gave me a transfusion
If I keep getting tats they'll never be able to use it,
It's always needed,
The gift of life,
All those questions...
Did you....?
Have you....?
Jesus keeps it simple:
No, I know I didn't
My blood is clean
Oh, my blood is Outstanding
And Positive because of Him Who keeps it (And me)
So He can use it to save others......
Which reminds me: I should sign up to give blood!




May 2015  I was going through hell with my daughters- he turned them against me - it turned very bad with my youngest- we had a huge fight, by the middle of the week I was devastated: Alone in my room, wanting to die, lying on the floor weeping in the fetal position. I did something I've never done before. Prayed something I never prayed before. I said, "God! You have to do something!" I don't know why I said that or what I expected Him to do. But not long after I prayed that Ian came home from college!!! He was unexpected and home early for Mother's Day. I just gave him a long hug and started crying again, then I explained to him what had been happening. Later he said he thought someone had died. After the fact, it's kinda humorous. This poem is also in my book. The Seven Story Tree  Who died!? Me!

Unlimited
Throw the match
Set the past ablaze
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
My tears have turned my heart to rust
Sometimes I don't want to go
But I must
Everything's on fire
Like the woods
the Summer he came home
There's a burn ban til October
No matter- don't mind- no fine
Crash crash
It's smashed- totally trashed
That old dream has died
He said he loved me, but he lied
The white picket fence has gone up in flame
And I'm the only one to blame
I am suffocating
Desperate for air
The wolf chews off her leg to get free of the trap
They're just waiting for her to snap
Her wings were clipped and burned
But now her fate has turned
Who died? I did
Cause they hurt me so bad
It's like they murdered my past
And threw dirt on my casket
How curious to be free
There are no strings on me
My future is unlimited
To the sky
I will fly
So high
Looking down on the ruins
I find Him there
This time I won't come crashing down
to the ground
I will glide with the winds currents
Blowing here and there
Flowing in the Spirit
You hear the sound of it
But cannot predict where it will leave it's effects next

My new website: RedheadedWritingHood.com