Sunday, May 18, 2014

Dreams Part 3: Dream Home


I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream. Pricilla Ahn

Look, this dreamer is coming! Genesis 37:19

That verse from Genesis was what one of his brother's said right before they threw Joseph in a pit! Joseph sure did go through alot of tough stuff before his dreams came true. In fact 13 years of it! He was 17 when he was sold into slavery and 30 when he got out of prison.
 

I have felt like I was imprisoned by my own dysfunction, fears and insecurities. And while we never reach that perfect state of freedom/sinlessness while here on earth, I can say I feel more free and happy than I have in my whole life and that is a really great feeling!

I've always loved these Jill Phillips lyrics:
I refuse to be locked up in here like a prison cell
Where all I ever get is a meal and four walls
I used to be just fine in here but not anymore
Gonna break through these steel bars

It was a slow process but "bit by bit" kinda like that movie "The Shawshank Redemption"- God was working on me and I was breaking free.

 

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,
And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
For He has broken the gates of bronze,
And cut the bars of iron in two. Psalm 107:15-16

 

I'm so done with the false guilt trips Satan used to always send me on. I mean I think I even had an over- exaggerated sense of importance- I am NOT responsible for everybody- and everything wrong IS NOT my fault!
For example: Once I was having a discussion with Sarah about her brother who was a senior at the time and prom. Ian used to be very very shy- he's come out of his shell a whole lot these past
few years. So I was saying, "Is Ian going to prom?" I can't remember if Sarah knew if he was or not, maybe she said I think so? I do remember what I said, "Well, I guess he'll just have to ask someone." Sarah knew what I meant, 'cause Ian's very handsome- the girls in his class even voted him as having the "best eyes". But then Sarah said something that threw me just then. She said, "You have to watch out for Lydia!" I was like "Huh? What do you mean?" Then she said it, "Cause she's like you!" Oh no! She can't be as messed up as me! Does Sarah think she's "boy crazy"? She did seem to have a little "crush" on one of Ian's friends. All this terrible stuff about awful me is going through my head and one of a mother's worst fears: I've ruined my child forever! Then as if to wake me from my self loathing, Sarah says, "She looks like you!".Oh (She's pretty Liddy- Ian and I called her that when she was a baby:)
 

What Sarah?! Whew, what a relief! But has Sarah looked in the mirror lately? Cause she looks like me too! And what?! Do tell- am I supposed to do about that, anyways? "Here Lydia we're going to start dressing Amish, cover your head and throw away all that make-up" (We have talked about the make-up) Daddy get your gun. I've already said, being able to talk with your teen and pray with/for them is most important! And if we can do those two things, that'll go so much farther than trying to put all these legalistic rules on them.



Once upon a time...2012
I had another discussion with Sarah the other day about her dad and I. I'm wondering if no matter what happens, if we could possibly keep this house. Then the kids and Bob and I will all have a place to gather on holidays, birthdays and such. I said if Sarah lived here and helped with the payment it might be feasible. How can we sell the "house that built us"? I would like to keep it but we struggle with the payment on Bob's salary. There's no way I could keep it. Which saddens me because I have had big plans for this house. Plans the hubby wants nothing to do with. The other day I read this verse, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" Amos 3:3 "How can the two of us walk in stride if we don't see eye to eye?"
I thought maybe we could adopt a child, like
some friends of ours did? Perhaps some foster kids? A home for unwed mothers? A half way house for drug addicts? Am I wasting my time on dreams? Kinda like Judy Garlan said,
"We cast away priceless time in dreams, born of imagination, fed upon illusion, and put to death by reality."
Well I have given up on the dream of the perfect family just like the Cleavers with the white picket fence and children who would never disrespect their mother.
Does that mean I have to give up on all my dreams?

 

Well it's not going to work with Sarah. She declined living here. She said, "I'm like an adult now" I had to correct her there, "You ARE an adult" She said she'd rather have Lyd and Claire move in with her than live with me. Oh no- I thought she was past her disdain for me- perhaps not? I confidently said, "Well they'd rather live with me than you....or Dad"
 

 

I once said you should never say, "I could never..."
We shouldn't look down on others and their decisions when we have no idea what they're going though and have been going through for a long time. Now I've done this and then invariably- sooner or later- I end up in the almost exact situation. I think this is why Jesus said, "Judge not lest you be judged for the same measure you use will be measured back to you" Matthew 7:1 I had a friend a while back who I found out left her husband and kids some years ago. She went to Arizona to go to college- met up with a childhood sweet heart and married him. Her kids were "older" but I think her youngest was 10 or 11 at the time she left. We got connected again via facebook and I couldn't help but be curious about what happened? How could she desert her kids like that? She said, "Ask me anything" so I did but I did it in a very "holier than thou" way I'm ashamed to say instead of saying, "What happened" I said, "How could you...."
 

Then I got to the point where I felt like Sarah was pinning my girls against me- I heard from my youngest that Claire didn't want me to go to any of her games, so gave the soccer schedule to Sarah and said so. That really hurt. Then because I texted Sarah about supper, I found out we were going to the same concert- so she sat with me even though she did make a snide remark about me being dressed like a Middle Schooler. She had a girl friend with her and said they had to leave to go to the movies. Well I later found out that she met up with her sisters to see "Divergent" without telling me. That also hurt but now I am glad it happened.
 

Then all the stress with my oldest son and the hubby was never on my side-Always I must be the "bad cop". Cowards can't be the "bad cop". Always I would stand ALONE. But NOT. I'm not invisible! Me and God are ENOUGH!
Then what? If things aren't bad enough. We go to the counselor and he gets all on my case about something I said on facebook and how my writing could be damaging- wow man thanks for the compliment- my THREE FOLLOWERS (and one of them is ME- lol)- OK 57 on facebook but only three probably actually read my blog- are gona go out and ruin someone- I didn't even say who it was! All because of what I wrote!? And as this man attacked me, what did Bob do (As he was sitting right there) NOTHING- as usual. Now that was the proverbial "Last Straw". I began thinking, "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone"

The next day Bob was taking Teddy and the girls to Florida and Teddy was going to stay with his grandma for awhile and the day after that I was going to California. Alone with no kids! I had only done that before when Mom passed. I was never allowed to. But the battle in my mind was raging again and I was letting what this (idiotic) man said get to me and I began to think of running again. I was thinking of going to California and just staying there!
 

It's written in your eyes
I can see the face you hide
It's getting harder every night
To want to be alive
Thinking thoughts inside your mind
Of leaving us all behind
Leaving us all behind

Building 429, "Home"
 

The devil even came to me again and said, you should just kill yourself- none of them care about you anyways -This time I didn't let him torment me very long- it only lasted minutes, "Get thee behind me Satan!" I've become able to distinguish the voices in my head- especially when they're trying to "kill, steal and destroy" (John 10)

"Don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear"

It's not always easy though when it's subtler - it's trickier and it takes much prayer and patience and sometimes I do still get it wrong. Recently I realized a couple I knew who divorced and I blamed it mostly on one party- that I may have been overly harsh in my judgement of him. And in a recent post: I may have "judged something before the time" and I concluded someone was up to no good- now it seems the one who I thought had pure motives -may not have after all but I don't know- is what I should really say and does it change anything anyways? Whether they're just after "One Thing" or not doesn't change my response- It's a loving "No, if you think I'm gona, no, I'm not."

Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand. Romans 14:4
Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. I Corinthians 4:5



Like I said in my previous post I've also sat in judgement against the divorced. I'm like "If Bob and I can stay married anyone should be able to" but Bob and I hadn't reached our 'last straw' moment yet.
Amy Grant was someone I sat in judgement of. Then recently I found this quote and my jaw dropped:
 

"I didn't get a divorce because I had a great marriage and then along came Vince Gill. Gary and I had a rocky road from day one. I think what was so hard—and this is (what) one of our counselors said—sometimes an innocent party can come into a situation, and they're like a big spotlight. What they do is reveal, by comparison, the painful dynamics that are already in existence." Amy Grant
It seems there have been a couple of "Spotlights" shined on the "painful dynamics already in existence". "Michael" for instance was a "spotlight" and there have been others.
 

So again these things are going on and I'm blaming it all on the devil but God uses these things to teach me lessons, build my character and it wasn't "time" yet- the kids still had more growing to do and so did I.

There's that old Indian saying that you shouldn't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins. Eminem says it like this in his song, "Beautiful":

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's minds
Just to see what we find







So many problems weren't "caught" and it's much more than one issue. I have to battle against cynicism and saying I'll never marry again. I joke that I'm taking a vow of celibacy because men are dogs. Doesn't that reek of bitterness?

 

I've decided to choose to believe in the anticipation of blessing from a loving God. He loves me and He has good things in store for me! It says that in Jeremiah 29:11.

 

In Genesis 50:20 it says, "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good..." Joseph is saying that although his brothers meant evil for him, it ended up that he was able to rise to his position and save his family from dying in the famine.

 

"We'll build our house in the trees" U2

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was...Switchfoot, "Home"

Home is not a house. It's wherever your family is.



My new journal says on it: "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" Eleanor Roosevelt who also said,

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

Dignity—the word itself—has come to mean different things to different people, as many words do. It doesn't just mean always being stiff and composed. It means a belief in oneself, that one is worthy of the best. Dignity means that what I have to say is important, and I will say it when it's important for me to say it. Dignity really means that I deserve the best treatment I can receive. And that I have the responsibility to give the best treatment I can to other people. Maya Angelou

Sat. March 8, 2014
Lord help me,

I need You desperately-
Give me SELF-CONFIDENCE,
COURAGE and BOLDNESS
Show me how to act-
Who to be-
How to wait-
How to have a quiet dignity-
Make me STRONG
So I can do whatever You want me to do. AMEN

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3



One of the devos I've collected is from a library used book sale from 2009 and it's called simply, "Meditations for Men" by Daniel Russell- copyright MCMXLV (1945). There's one titled, "Dreams": "Many dreams come true especially when we bend our energies and shape our plans toward their fulfillment. The dreams of youth are not by any means all futile and evanescent."

"Sometimes our dreams come true in ways we 'never dreamed of'. The boy Joseph dreamed he would outstrip his brothers; but that he would one day be master in Egypt, with his brethren begging him for bread, was beyond his wildest imaginings. That his pathway to power would be made by their brutality, and by his imprisonment on a false charge, he had never guessed. Paul's dream of seeing Rome came true although he entered the imperial city as a prisoner, not as an honored herald of the cross, and had to do his seeing through the windows of his jail."

"John Brown dreamed his mad dream of freeing the slaves and contributed mightily to that end. Body mouldering, his soul went marching from Fort Sumter to Appomattox court house."

"Whether our dreams come true or are shattered, a worthy dream is in itself worthwhile."

"Joseph's brothers did their best to shatter his dream; it was of no avail because he took the fragments and built, proving once more that men owe a great deal to the great dreamers."




We are the music makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers
And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.


Arthur W. E. O' Shaughnessy

Check out: Casting Crowns new song, "Dream for You"
Also
: Sanctus Real's "The Redeemer"

I'm so excited! Click here to buy my first book! "The Seven Story Tree; A book of Poetry"
 

The Seven Story House
Come and go with me....
It's a big, big house
Where all the kids play
It's the house that built us
Wii do loud really well
Hop on Pop
Home's cool- Homeschool
Pools, tools, parties, fools
Lightning, laughter
Conscience clear the morning after
Kids, cribs, coons in the cat food
Witches, ditches, pull up your britches
Hide and Seek, don't you peek!
Music, Mayhem, Magic
Murder in the dark
Soccer at the park
What's up? Butts up
Don't fall, wall ball
Books, nooks, dirty looks   
Dogs, frogs, hollow logs
Trees, Fleas, pray on your knees
Games, Trains
It's not lame!
Camping, glamping
Now we're revamping
Super Mom's Sunday Suppers
Dad's Best Bar-b-que
God's here
So have no fear
Love- Let go- forgive- forget
Have no regret
It will always be
In my memory
A place for friends and family




Here is Part 1 of Dreams: Sowing and Reaping
Here is Part 2 of Dreams: The Glorious Story
And
, of course, the story continues here