Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Cowards, Codependency and UnConditional Love


I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases

So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice 

Love Alone Is Worth the Fight...Switchfoot




There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us. I John 4:18-19

It was Brooke who first coined it. She said I was the "Crazy, Candle, Cat Lady". I (think) I was the one who said, "Oh so that's C to the third power- C3 for short" and now I just keep thinking up (by mere Coincidence:) all these C3 titles; like Cougars, Cages and Confessions  and Cat Fights, Canines and Confrontation. And This is PART 3.....


 So, how about a short story; CFCFC: Chinese Food, California and Fortune Cookies:




I've always loved Chinese food, perhaps that's why I married a Chinese man?  I remember long ago, when we still lived in California I got Chinese food- perhaps I was with Louise's family- because with nine of us in our immediate family- we didn't eat out very often. Sometimes on a birthday we'd go to Los Arcos- a local Mexican restaurant that was really good. I don't know who I was with, the only thing I remember is the fortune I got in my cookie. Now, I know, I know, that can't be of God! Aren't fortune cookies evil like Horoscopes and FORTUNE tellers? Well, if you're relying on them to guide your life, yes! But this fortune said, "Perfect love casts out fear" Hmmmmm? Sound familiar? I had no idea that it was from the Bible (or had anything whatsoever to do with God) and thought I shouldn't be afraid to tell my newest "crush" that I liked him, that is IF my love is "perfect"- Well must not be 'cause there's no way I'm doing that! Besides we're moving to Florida- I HAVE TO find me a new beau!


I've been thinking about Abraham lately. You know, I just couldn't stomach the "Bible" series that was on TV last year because it was so inaccurate. Here's an idea: If you're going to do a series for TV on the Bible, you might want to study it first! They had a very plain, ordinary looking actress play the part of Sarah! That was so so so wrong. Sarah was HOT. So hot that her husband was afraid of being killed because of her. Here's what the Bible says:
And it came to pass, when he (Abram) was close to entering Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, “Indeed I know that you are a woman of beautiful countenance. Therefore it will happen, when the Egyptians see you, that they will say, ‘This is his wife’; and they will kill me, but they will let you live. Please say you are my sister, that it may be well with me for your sake, and that I may live because of you.” Genesis 12:11-13
What!? Come on Abram! (God later changed Abram's name to Abraham and Sarai's to Sarah) Your wife can't be that beautiful, you're being ridiculous! But wait. Watch what happens next!

So it was, when Abram came into Egypt, that the Egyptians saw the woman, that she was very beautiful. The princes of Pharaoh also saw her and commended her to Pharaoh. And the woman was taken to Pharaoh’s house. He treated Abram well for her sake. He had sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male and female servants, female donkeys, and camels. Genesis 12:14-16

Are you kidding me! He let the  Egyptians take his wife away! And they took her to Pharaoh's palace! How long did this go on? I don't know, the Bible doesn't say, but it does say, "He (Pharaoh) treated Abram well for her sake" See the Bible is a very interesting book, lets read on to see what happens to Abram, Sarai' and Pharaoh:

But the Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abram’s wife.  And Pharaoh called Abram and said, “What is this you have done to me? Why did you not tell me that she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister’? I might have taken her as my wife. Now therefore, here is your wife; take her and go your way.” So Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him; and they sent him away, with his wife and all that he had. Genesis 12:17-20

 Talk about being, "Left in the lurch"! I think if I was Sarai I'd be thinking marrying Pharaoh might be a pretty good idea about then. I've often felt kinda like her. I know he doesn't mean to but sometimes I feel like Bob's saying, "You want my wife? Here have her, I don't know what I was thinking marrying her, she's kinda crazy, here you can have her."
The Christian band, Sanctus Real has a song called, "Lead Me" and it must be inspired because they capture perfectly what I think is probably every woman's deep desire and the deep disappointment felt when her husband doesn't fulfill his God-given role in the relationship;

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us? 

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone
 
Just like that old classic by Ben King;

No, I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me


After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward." Genesis15:1 I think I'll be writing more about Abraham and Sarah in an upcoming post.

"Already Love is drawing others to you. Take all who come as sent by Me, and give them a royal welcome. It will surprise you, all that I have planned for you." "God Calling" February 24th


Once upon a time Bob and I would try to help every "stray" person that walked into our lives. No rules, just invite them into our home with no boundaries or give them money with no cap and no pay back plan. This is very unwise. We got used on more than one occasion. Once we even picked up a homeless lady off the side of the road in Macon when we were coming home from a "date night" at Olive Garden. She spent the night at our house and went to church with us the next morning, then I took her back to the gas station by the highway. Bob later told me that he slept with a gun under his mattress. I feel as though, God saw our hearts, that we were well-meaning and He protected us from what could have been a disastrous situation. I heard a testimony last week from a man who claims to be in the "Witness Protection Program". He finally explained, "I am a 'witness' for Jesus and He 'protects' me"- So it is with me!




Now I'm gona tell you another story. This happened to me last month. You know how cold it's been here in middle Georgia? Well, one day the HH (Handsome Hubby) says to me, "I have to go to Eglin next week" No way! Eglin is by the sea! I wana go! (If you're new to my blog- I'm from California and Florida- I'm the "Little Mermaid" and I LOVE the OCEAN!) I did go with him once by myself and once with the kids when they were little.

The thing about it is, Bob is working, so we get to go to the beach but not with him, except for the occasional walk on the beach in the evening. When I went by myself I did finish an important blog post though.

This time, however, I opted to stay home. One night, I was on my way home from church and I see a woman walking alone in the cold. Thinking, "She must not have a car", I stopped to ask her if she wanted a ride. I had met her before, so I kinda knew her, but not really. When I had first met her? We did NOT exactly "hit it off". We had discussed something and she seemed offended at something I had said. Now, it did "sort of" bother me, but I am so proud of myself because I just, "let it go"! IT WAS HER NOT ME. In the past I would've apologized for anything I said that upset her and tried to "fix" the situation and make myself "acceptable" to her again. Why do I want a person I don't even like to "accept" me? Sometimes I've felt like the character, "Ella" in the movie, "Ella Enchanted". Ella receives a "gift" from a fairy that makes her obey everything anyone asks her to do! Of course this causes all kinds of trouble for her, but I will talk more on that later and tell you how Ella finally finds freedom.



Candace (Not her real name) gets in the car and says she may be "really quiet". I made up my mind not to ask too many questions, so I didn't- also she wasn't "really quiet". I said, "So where to?" I could tell she was thinking, then she said, "Wal-Mart" I know I looked puzzled, it was getting kinda late, so I said, "Wal-Mart? Are you sure? I can take you anywhere, within reason" She paused, thinking again, and replied, "Yes, Wal-Mart" So I said, "O.K. Wal-Mart it is" We had an interesting conversation about my house. Something had sparked the memory of that story I wrote at the beach. She started talking about annoiting my doorposts with oil. Wow- believe it or not- I've had this conversation with another Christian and it was also in response to my story. A person said to "drive the demons out of my house" I had to go to every door AND window in my house, praying and anointing it with oil! Hey do these people know how BIG my house is? LOL And and it doesn't even "last" you have to do it again because it wears off! Not surprisingly, these were the same folks that said you only had to have enough "faith" to rid yourself of "demons of depression" (but to get them out of your house you have to go through this ritual?) The same man who said that also had to throw away a key holder from South America because it was demon possessed. Oh brother! The whole point of my story is: Praise Jesus and you won't have to live in any of these legalistic (or any other kind of) chains! I thank God for my freedom in Christ. He whom the Son sets free is free indeed! (John 8)

I laughed recently when I read this in my "God Calling"devotional: "I may send you strange visitors. Make each desire to return. Nobody must come and feel unwanted." OK God, I hear ya!

So I took Candace to Wal Mart and dropped her off, somewhat relieved. I noticed, however, what a big bag she had when she got out of the car. Was that a toothbrush in the top of it? Driving away, I thought, "I don't think she has anywhere to go. Maybe I should go back and bring her home with me for a night or two?"  Nah, Lord, I honestly don't like her, I thought You wanted me to just let people like that go? God, do I have to? (BTW- the answer to that question is always, "No" We don't have to obey God- He gives us free will!) "Bob's gone, so you don't even have to ask him and Ian's bed is empty" I really wanted to just go home and go to bed myself, but I got a penny out of my wallet and said to God, "OK tails is 'Yes' heads is 'No' Please be heads!" It was tails and I turned the car around and went back to Wal-Mart. I parked and went in. Candace was no where in sight! I decided to get a few things, the kids were starting to complain about there being no food in the house. I really missed the HH (Handsome Husband) and his (about daily) stops at the grocery store on the way home! I cooked some chicken breast on Monday and made something different with it everyday. (Chicken Tortilla Soup, Chicken Salad, Chicken Enchiladas) I went all over the store- I got some pens for my journal- I still didn't see Candace- did she already leave? I got my penny out again- I know- crazy ritual, huh? God, can I go home now? No, keep shopping, I picked up a few more things, when I was done and went to the front of the store, there she was.

When we got home I fed Candace some of the left-over chicken enchiladas- she liked them. She liked my house- most people do. I'm kinda partial to it myself. I like to make people comfortable. I'm hospitable, but God was up to something here and after spending more time with Candace- I knew EXACTLY what He was trying to tell me. I found Candace some clean sheets and we hit the hay. My kids were all happy to meet Candace, except for the antisocial one- who retired early to "hibernate". Bobby and Jude (our dog & Sarah's) seemed to like her too- they love everyone! You get no judgement from them. Of course, I let the terrified Layla (my son's pit bull) retire to my room so she wouldn't bite Candace.

I thought, I could call my new friends who are pastors in Macon and ask if they have any ideas, perhaps the Macon Rescue Mission? They suggested perhaps taking her there and told me also of other "homes" for women in this area. They said there are always many other "issues" with homeless people that I needed to be aware of and to be cautious. I didn't really think of Candace as your typical homeless person. I was pretty sure she wasn't on drugs or alcohol but then again, I didn't really know her.

The next day was Friday and I didn't really have any plans. We have an empty rental house that needs alot of work and my son needed something to do also, so I decided we'd all go work there that afternoon. Meanwhile Candace got a shower and we talked and prayed together. She spoke/prayed well and lead me in prayer, actually. I was telling her how I was writing and wanting to finish my book and try to get it published and my frustration in lacking writing time and lacking money. So the pressure is mounting for me to get a job. I said something, that I thought out loud that I shouldn't have. This has NEVER happened to me before! LOL I told Candace that I had the thought, "God, did you bring me someone to clean my house for me, so I can have more writing time?" This did mislead Candace into thinking I was going to let her stay. We stood there, holding hands praying and Jude, who had found a stray scrabble piece, laid down between us, eating his scrabble piece and "praying" with us.

I told her about the Macon Rescue Mission. She said she wanted to stay in the Warner Robins area. I didn't press about how she got to where she was but she did say something about getting in a fight with her roommate. I asked her about finding a job and she said she was volunteering right now. Hmmmmmm? OK She said she did have two kids and showed me a picture of her son. When we prayed again, I prayed for her children, I knew she must miss them. It was that morning that I noticed how peculiar Candace was, she seemed to act as if she heard from the Holy Spirit every minute (Yeah OK- So do I, but this was different!), she brought out one of son's Bible's, left in his room and we read some scriptures from it. Where was HER Bible? I wondered. Then at another point, she started motioning like she was deaf, making a book motion with her hands, so I started playing "Charades" with her, asking her, "A book?", "A Bible?" I went into my library again and brought her another Bible. Now that I've recognized this manipulation, I would ignore this type of thing if it happened again. But the Holy Spirit was teaching me something very IMPORTANT and He wasn't done yet!


That afternoon we headed to the other house which we rent out. On the way there, my oldest son said, "Don't you have to pick up my little sister at 2:30?" It was like 1:30 and I said, "Well, I can get started, then I'll go get her and come back." We got there and I told my oldest son to rake and Candace and I went in the house with our cleaning supplies. I asked Candace to mop while I vacuumed. My oldest son came in and offered to go and get his little sister and I let him. Why? Well, I felt like leaving them both there wasn't a good idea. Already Candace had thought she could "take charge" of my oldest son. I was lacking the proper leading skills/respect to guide him so I guess she thought she'd go ahead and help me out. He said she had asked him to get her some Q-tips and a book from upstairs, then he said she frowned because it was the wrong book. Then she told him to put some dishes in the sink. And he did it! Wow- I thought,"Why is he listening to her and not me or even his dad?" Now this was getting interesting!

In the course of our time at the house Candace made a point to tell me that there were stains on the sheets that I gave her and she didn't like that. What? Those happened to be king size sheets that I last used on my very own bed- I don't remember any stains. Seeing the look on my face when she said this she added, "In case you were going to use them for another guest" Oh- this was one of the first indications that she was at my house(s) to be SERVED (And serve her I did!) and NOT to SERVE which is our MANDATE from Jesus. Also after she had finished mopping and I vacuuming, we pulled out the refrigerator and boy was it nasty under/behind it. I thought to MYSELF this time, "OK here's a test for Candace- will she offer to clean THAT YUCK?" NO- I cleaned it. Lately I keep reading on this subject in the varying and different devos I read. First it's been in Chuck Swindoll's (which come in my e-mail) from his book, "Improving Your Serve: The Art of Unselfish Living." In "My Utmost for His Highest" on February 19th and "Letting God" on February 22nd both have the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet and the verse: "If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet." Jesus (John 13:14)

“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Jesus (Matthew 20:25-28)

It ended up my younger son was coming home from college that Friday night. So I got MY SON some sheets without stains! LOL We got Chick Fil A on the way back from the rental house. When we got home Candace announced that they gave her the wrong soup, she said she ordered the chicken tortilla soup. I said, "I have some of that in the fridge, it's probably better than theirs" And she did have some before she went to bed in the family room, instead of in the library where I asked her to go.

 This is MY YUMMY SOUP!
Candace lay down on the sofa after we ate and when my younger son came in, she didn't even get up and come into the kitchen to meet him!  She did her little "manipulation game" again and got my son and I to come to her! What's wrong with us? I think it was that night Candace said, "Why are you fighting me?" I just made my curious face and shook my head and refrained from saying, "CAUSE YOU'RE NOT THE ONE IN AUTHORITY HERE" We both amicably agreed it was time for her to go, besides she had announced that she had choir practice at 10:30 in the morning at her church. I just said, "We like to sleep in on Saturdays." Next morning when I was feeding her breakfast (ABOUT 11:00AM) she gave me a speech on punctuality. I calmly said, "It's not my responsibility to get you to your practice on time and I never said I was." She then said I was "judging" her (because I didn't think she had to be on time?) I threw that right back at her and said, "Your judging me, thinking you know my motives for not taking you when you wanted to go, 'Judge not lest you be judged' Matthew 7:1" Then as she ate she said, "Are you looking to adopt a child? cause your treating me like one" I bit my lip and (calmly) replied, "Yes, when the kids are all grown and out of the house I told my husband I would like to adopt" Despite all that, right before I said goodbye to her, dropping her off at her church (not mine) she said, "This wasn't a black or white thing, this was a love thing" AMEN SISTA!



 Mi casa es su casa!

People reading about me "just in passing" don't realize how far I've come and things they probably think are my failures, I believe God has said are my VICTORYS. "Oh victory in Jesus! My Savior forever!" Let me explain; I went from "I can't live without a man" to "I'm not going to remarry. I'll be a missionary to South America" Who's Afraid of the Dark?
I went from ice cold, being gripped with fear, "How dare you write poems about me! I don't even want to read them" to "I love the poem- I care- but I love my husband and I'm NOT a cougar- OK" Cougars, Cages and Confessions  Now, that's courage! When we let God put His love in our hearts, it casts out all fear!

Sometimes we long for things, our next "fix", whether it be a relationship with someone we just want to "help", a drug, a drink, a hobby, work or money. We don't realize. We don't trust. God will supply all our needs! He's longing for us to run to Him! We can't "help" someone who won't surrender to God! Because the bottom line is: He is the only One who can free them!

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you...Switchfoot


“You have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless, until they can find rest in you.” Augustine 

I've been loving the band Switchfoot for awhile now but only just last year? I think, did I learn they are from California like me AND that "Switchfoot" is a surfing term! Duh! I always said, "What an unusual name. What does it mean?"
In December I wrote a post about depression, suicide and cutting and in it I talked about our adventures in Boca Raton and trying to surf.  (Sea Monsters)

Well I took those pictures to Sparks (K-2nd graders- Awanas) last Sunday and also some pics from my last post.  In that post I tell the story of Peter walking on the water to Jesus. First I asked "Who likes to go to the beach?" Then I asked, "Who remembers which Disney Princess I am?" Because another time I told them how Disney's "The Little Mermaid" parallels the story of Jesus and redemption (and that my nickname was "Mermaid" in high school.) They yelled out, "Ariel!" Then I told them the story about the disciples in the boat- Alone! Then I said how when the weather was great (stormy) we DID NOT have Uncle Dave's surf board and on the next day we did and it was CALM AS A LAKE! LOL THEN I SAID JESUS ALLOWS "STORMS" IN OUR LIVES SO WE CAN LEARN HOW TO SURF. (AKA WALK ON WATER)


I e-mailed my son this link the other day

If you could soldier on
Headstrong into the storm
I’ll be here waiting on the other side
Don’t look back
The road is long
The first days of the war are gone
Take back your former throne and turn the tide
 


Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown till you
Keep your eyes open, my love
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
 
Keep your eyes open, my love- NeedtoBreathe  

God knows what it takes to bring order back to your life. Trust Him. He’s working on something and when He’s done, everything will be better. TD Jakes 

Darlene Lancer says, "Recovery from codependency begins with developing self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-love. It’s a journey of self-reclamation."


In my devo, "Letting God" by A. Phillip Parham, he gets right to the real solution: "It is often said in recovery, 'You can't really love anyone else unless you love yourself'. How can we give love if we don't possess it? Removing our shortcomings is not the way to self-esteem; accepting God's love for us in spite of our shortcomings is.When we know we are loved, we can love ourselves, and then others. Empty tanks can't fill others." (June 9th)


Back to the movie, "Ella Enchanted": (Spoiler warning!) Ella falls in love with a prince but the evil man who wants to be king is controlling and manipulating the prince and finds out about Ella's "gift"- so he tells her to kill the prince! She's fighting with herself, about to kill him and has all these, "scenes" running through her head. One of them is her mother before she dies, she tells Ella not to tell anyone about the gift, so noone will use it against her. (later her step sister does this and tells the evil man). But one of the last things her mother says to her is: "Look to yourself, Ella. What's inside you is stronger than any spell." In Colossians 1, Paul said God revealed a mystery with Christ and it is:  "Christ in you, the hope of glory." verse 27. We have the Holy Spirit! Jesus also said, "The kingdom of God is within you." Luke 17:21

Oh, I forgot, after Ella remembers what her mom said and what the fairy (after they spend the whole movie looking for her!) said ("Don't blame me for all your problems, fix them yourself") She simply says to herself in the hall of mirrors "You will no longer be obedient!" And so she "frees" herself. And so it is with me! ;-)

Switchfoot has yet another great song called, "The Original":
Speak your mind up
Come on baby free yourself

Free yourself
Ain't no one to do it
Free yourself
Ain't nothing to it
Free yourself
Don't let nobody try and take your soul
You're the original



I just found this on Sandy Patty's facebook page. The other night I had a melt down-OK my bad- but I'm doing so much better than I have been ever in my life! I mean at NOT having "melt-downs".
This is when I slipped up and yelled alittle- BUT l'm doing less and less yelling these days-so THAT'S progress also!
"When you feel the absolute calm has been broken -- away alone with Me until your heart sings, and all is strong and calm." "God Calling" February 21st
I went into my library, got on my knees- opened the little Precious Moments Bible that was on the shelf to Psalm 28 and Sarah (I think) had highlighted, this verse- but BEFORE that even happened- I bought a new journal at Wal Mart the very same day- that has some verses at the bottom of each page- one of them is....Psalm 28:7: Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him.



The following is from the devotion "God Calling" ;
Care-free-
Perfect love casteth out fear. I John 4:18
Love and fear cannot dwell together. By their very natures they cannot exist side by side. Evil is powerful, and fear is one of evil's most potent forces.
Therefore a weak vacillating love can be soon routed by fear, whereas a perfect Love, a trusting Love, is immediately the Conqueror, and fear, vanquished, flees in confusion.
But I am Love because God is Love, and I and the Father are one. So the only way to obtain this perfect Love, that dispels fear, is to have Me more and more in your lives. You can only banish fear by My Presence and My Name.
Fear of the future -- Jesus will be with us.
Fear of poverty -- Jesus will provide. (And so to all the temptations of fear.)
You must not allow fear to enter. Talk to Me. Think of Me. Talk of Me. Love Me. And that sense of My Power will so possess you that no fear can possess your mind. Be strong in this My Love.
 
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

In another "Letting God" entry (April 4th), Parham says, "The personal life of Beverly Sills (Opera singer- now deceased) has been full of tragedy, including a child born deaf, never to hear her mother's magnificent voice. She was asked how she copes. She spoke of a 'stillness' and said: 'When 'the stillness' comes, you simply realize that it is not important for everybody to love you. It's more important for you to love them. It turns your whole life around. And the very act of living becomes the act of giving'" Now that's serenity!



Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, being bound in affliction and in irons,
Because they had rebelled against the words of God and spurned the counsel of the Most High.
Therefore He bowed down their hearts with hard labor; they stumbled and fell down, and there was none to help.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them out of their distresses.
He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and broke apart the bonds that held them.
Oh, that men would praise [and confess to] the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men!
For He has broken the gates of bronze and cut the bars of iron apart.
Some are fools [made ill] because of the way of their transgressions and are afflicted because of their iniquities.
They loathe every kind of food, and they draw near to the gates of death.
 Then they cry to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivers them out of their distresses.
 He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.
Psalm 107:10-20

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands,  as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. I Peter 3:3-6

"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." Jesus (John 8:32)


Steps to Serenity
I'm powerless Lord,
I need Your help please,
I turn my will and life over to You-
You restore my sanity-
I take inventory-
Your love casts out my fear-
I am searching, reaching, striving...
I know denial is not a river-
I admit the exact nature of my wrongs-
Til all my sleeves are stained red-
From all the truth that I've said-
I'm ready Lord!
Take my load-
I'll take Yours
It's easy and light-
I need vulnerability, accountability and humility
For Jesus to give me victory-
He grants me true repentance and godly sorrow-
I will not wait 'til tomorrow to make amends-
Unless it would be hurtful-
I will be tactful and truthful-
I seek Him first in all I do-
He will always see me through--
He always heals my deep heart ache,
A bruised reed He will not break-
Now I am wide awake!
I will carry His message both day and night-
For I know He is the Light-
He delivers me from strife-
And all His principles are Life.

 For this poem and more you may buy my book of poetry on Amazon: The Seven Story Tree

See the video of my reciting that poem, here 

Lord, let me not kid myself! That's deceiving myself! I'm never going back to OK? Lord, I've gone back to "O.K." so many times! Please forgive me! Help me to "go higher" not let Satan drag me lower. Help me be brave Lord. To have "the courage to change the things I can". To have the courage to examine MYSELF and not the cowardice that criticizes all those around me. Help me make sure my motives are right, let me look to Your Word for wisdom and guidance- for Your Word will not steer me wrong. Show me Your way, guide me in truth, wash me with Your Word. Make me holy, so I may serve You and bring You glory and honor because I love You Lord. Amen

Read this for more on The 12 Steps.